This morning when I woke up, I started to freak out. I mean really freak out, dry mouth, racing thoughts, sick feeling in my stomach, thoughts that I can't do this, thoughts that I haven't practiced/training enough, lack of concentration.....
The bottom line is I have 5 weeks as of this past Sunday......5 weeks to continue to work towards the goal of competing in the 2009 Columbia Iron Girl. I'm going to do this, failure is not an option, I'm not a quitter and I don't like these feelings.
The good news is that I'm probably in the best shape I have been in since graduating from high school (many years ago). Previously when I did mini tri's or the Make A Wish Relay tri, I was still a smoker (now I'm a proud non smoker for 2 years, 4 months and 18 days) and I weighed more than I do now (I actually weigh less now than I did when I got married).
So freaking out about drowning or not being able to do the swim is not going to help me focus. I know I'm not the best swimmer and that is fine, I just need to put my mind to this and I can do it. I have 1 hour to swim .62 of a mile / 1100 yards / 44 laps in a 25 yard pool. I can do this.
Doing this event is not about being the best it's simply about trying. It's showing myself that I can tackle anything I put my mind to. It's about doing something for me, something that I want to do, not something others want me to do or tell me to do. Doing something for myself has always been a huge struggle for me and there have been very few things in my life that I have done strictly for me. But I'm working on changing that. I've started to put myself on my to do list and making sure there is always time for me. Some might say that is selfish but that is because you don't know me. My whole life has been about doing what others want or tell me to do.
The other bizarre thing is that I'm a strong willed / hard headed person that can be very direct and very driven but for some reason I lack some much optimism when it comes to this stuff....ugh.
Thank you to everyone that has been giving me words of encouragement and positive comments, it means the world to me. There are others out there just like me and I hope you too are working at taking control of your lives!
i'm so proud of you for keeping with it! you are going to do amazing.
ReplyDeletePutting yourself on your to do list...I am so proud of you!!! I am going to have to do that too. I have just had one of those weeks where it is painfully obvious that I need to figure out how to keep myself in check.
ReplyDeleteYour words really ring true...I and I really need to read them. Thanks as always...